Expectations

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

I have heard this quote before and I believe it to be true. I also think expectations can be the thief of joy.

Expectations can be great. Expectations when healthy and voiced can keep us protected. They can help a friendship or relationship. But expectations left unsaid can be bad. They can grow roots within us that only lead to hurt and bitterness. Unrealistic expectations can be worse. They lead to tension and frustration with the people we love.

I have experienced this.

I think we all have.

I recently got married (YAY) and I think now more than ever I am seeing the danger with unsaid or unhealthy expectations. I am seeing how easy they can build up bitterness and come between a relationship for potentially years to come.

Communication is key. In any friendship, relationship, even interaction, communication is key. That is how we get points across. How we bond and grow closer as humans. Through talking. Generally speaking, the more open and honest we are in our communication the healthier the relationship, friendship or interacting will be. After all people are not mind readers! So we cannot EXPECT people to know what we are thinking, feeling, experiencing unless we tell them.

That is a lesson my parents have been teaching me for as long as I can remember. People are NOT mind readers. I remember when I was a kid every Thursday night we would get fast food and watch Survivor as a family. So every Thursday they would ask me and my brother "what do you want to eat?" And every Thursday Cody would give his answer and I would give mine... "I don't know!" Did I know? OF COURSE! Literally every week I wanted McDonalds. But I was always too shy or embarrassed to say it (because I literally just always wanted McDonalds). Sometimes I would crack and finally say I wanted McDonalds and other times I wouldnt say anything so they would pick somewhere else and then I was grumpy because I didn't get what I wanted. But how were they to know? Did it cause them harm not having McDonalds and seeing me grumpy? No. I was the only one suffering because I did not share my feelings. So anyways this habit of having my answer or expectation in mind yet not voicing it has been one that has followed me for years.

I am not sure why so many people, including myself, do not like to voice their expectations. Maybe it's because Hollywood has done such good job at making us feel our significant other or friend should know exactly what we want or expect all the time. It's more "romantic" or "special" if the person does something without you having to tell them. Okay I see the appeal in that but sorry it's not true. Unsaid expectations often lead to unmet expectations which can lead to frustration towards someone because they are not what we want them to be. When we expect certain things from people we are placing our idea of who we want them to be, on them! If you were expecting someone to bring you a coffee but didn't ask them to, it probably won't happen. If you were expecting this huge party for your birthday but didn't tell anyone that, you probably won't get that. And then perhaps you may get upset with this person because they did not meet your unrealistic and unsaid expectations. I am saying these things because I have experienced them first hand. I can't expect people to read my mind. It is as simple as that.

So Levi and I are going to first try and be more open and honest about our expectations. I think it is a good habit to get into. To openly talk about what we each are expecting from a date, event or party. Next we are going to try and evaluate our own expectations. Making sure they are not unrealistic or selfish. I'm hoping it will help take the pressure off of each other to be perfect. We are all unique individuals and sometimes expectations can make someone feel less than and not good enough. I think sharing or even self reflecting can also help you see if your expectations are completely ridiculous and unattainable. After all we are only human.

I like this quote I found:

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

So I hope you can start to share or even just evaluate your own expectations and see if it helps you find more joy and peace and less bitterness towards someone. I want to embrace people for who they are and not have expectations coming between us. Because remember, people are NOT mind readers and no one wants to be grumpy and left with no McDonalds. ;)

xoxo

Maggie